After finding our Church we started going there every Sunday. We knew that this was the missing piece of our puzzle as our lives started to make sense and the journey no longer felt lonely. In the early stages of my walk as with most new believers there was a burning desire to know more, to learn more and to be a perfect Christian. But as time went by, slowly the flame in the fire was no longer bright. There were days that went by where prayer was not part of my day. The only time that prayer became part of my day was when i needed something from God. Although my pastor fed me the word every Sunday that no longer was enough. The Lord required more from me. He required a closer walk with him. He required spending time in his word daily. He required me getting to know him. I was blinded to it all and felt like he was asking too much. Slowly that emptiness and loneliness from my worldly days came back like a rushing wind.
For months I would cry as I felt so hopeless. I fell into depression and that was the most difficult phase of my life as there wasn’t anyone around that I could speak to about my depression without being judged. I did try talking to a few friends from Church however the responses I got only made me feel worse. I started questioning if this was really worth it. Was I really cut out for this? Do I really want to be a Christian anymore as I felt like my life was filled with mostly suffering at this time. It was difficult to be around anyone. It was difficult to talk and socialize with anyone because I was afraid of being judged and it was even difficult going to Church and praying and worshiping God as I felt like he abandoned me. I felt like he no longer loved me or cared about me.
It was in my moment of weakness that the Lord sent a word for me and I realized that there were many people in the Bible who suffered great depression and despair. One such person was David who wrote “My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear” Ps 38:4. But in the midst of David’s grief he still praised God and he said in this word “Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” Ps 42:11
It was then that I realized that instead of feeling sorry and questioning God I just needed to continue praising him. As I started praising him in the midst of my pain and my suffering I realized that things started to look up again. There are still days where I may slip and struggle but as I keep in his word daily and surround myself with uplifting and motivating persons I am able to make it through the difficult days.
Below is a song that I listen to when the load just feels too heavy to bear sometimes and I just want to be in his presence and worship him.